Self-Awareness Theory: How We Learn to Become Our Best Self
Have you ever worried that you were not doing something quite right—that you were not performing or behaving in a way that you knew you could or should? Think about a time when you might have felt a bit off, not quite living up to the person you know you can be. For instance, you might normally see yourself as friendly and empathic, but perhaps you once made a direct and potentially rude comment that led to another person becoming upset. Or maybe you excel in sports or academics, but there was a time when you found yourself blundering repeatedly with something you’re usually good at. Are you usually a patient driver but once found yourself honking aggressively in traffic? Did you ever cheat, or lie, or steal, even though you typically see yourself as an honest person? In this blog post, I’m going to discuss those moments in our lives when our thoughts, our behaviors, or our self-image veer away from an established standard, as well as the resulting emotional reactions and consequences of such moments.
These moments of disconnect are something I often explore with clients. I once treated a young woman who was working in a highrise office building in Manhattan, across from the Twin Towers when the Towers fell on September 11, 2001. Witnessing people jumping from the burning skyscraper roofs caused her to decide to “get out of Dodge.” She quit her job and moved to the Midwest to pursue her doctoral degree. However, on arrival, she found that her fellow students could not relate to her, or they seemed to find her off-putting; she could not understand how she was causing this reaction. She felt as though she was not living up to expectations, despite success in a previous career.
While this is a very specific and intense example of the topic, I will return to this client’s story later. Yet, I have countless other examples, including working with young adults raised with highly perfectionistic standards who developed anxiety or depression when their academic performance became less than perfect. I have also worked with professionals who feel that they are out of their depth and suffering from “imposter syndrome” in a new occupational role. I have worked with veterans who grew up in happy childhoods but who separate from the military, only to discover that civilians find them angry or overly aggressive. Psychology tells us that, when we discover a gap between our standards for ourselves and our actual appearance, we often seek personal change and self-improvement.
Self-Discrepancies: Powering Personal Change
The basic idea is this: problems lead to the drive for correction. If problems emerge from the gaps between our actual and desired selves, let’s define the gaps a little more in order to understand the problems: We can call the gap between our desired self and our actual self a “self-discrepancy.” A discrepancy is simply a difference between two things, and so a self-discrepancy is a difference between two versions of ourselves. According to Higgins (1987), one way to categorize a self-discrepancy is to label it either an “actual-ideal discrepancy” (discrepancy between the real self and the ideal self) or an “actual-ought discrepancy” (discrepancy between the real self and the ought self). These discrepancies are presumed to create a state of discomfort or negative emotions. When we realize the difference between who we are and who we expect ourselves to be, the resulting discomfort drives us to take action. This personal motivation to change comes from the urge to align our behavior, thoughts, and feelings with our ideal and ought selves.
Many of these concepts were studied by psychologists Duval and Wicklund in 1972, leading to their Objective Self-Awareness Theory. I want to share this theory with you, and how it proposes that self-discrepancies can drive individuals to seek personal change and self-improvement.
Peering Into the Looking Glass
In Objective Self-Awareness Theory, Duval and Wicklund proposed that states of greater self-awareness would lead to self-evaluation, and hence to motivation to make personal changes. One of their key experiments was the mirror study; in this study, participants were asked to complete a task; during the task, some subjects were seated in front of a mirror and asked to focus on their own reflection, while others were asked to complete the same task while simply focusing on a non-reflective surface. The researchers hypothesized that when individuals are in a state of self-awareness caused by the presence of the mirror, they would be more likely to evaluate their own behavior based on their internal standards and values; this process would in turn increase their self-examination and their perception of the gap between their actual behavior and their desired behavior.
The study’s results coincided with the psychologists’ predictions (1972): Participants seated in front of the mirror were in a more self-aware state; they judged themselves more actively, in contrast to those who were not facing a mirror. The study also found that subjects in the mirror condition who noticed personal discrepancies had greater motivation to reduce these gaps. These participants tended to show self-improvement behaviors in order to line up their actions with their internalized standards, probably because of their discomfort with these gaps. The same effect has been found in experiments using video cameras (Carver & Scheier, 1978). This suggests that any condition where our attention is focused on ourselves, whether by ourselves or by others, can cause the same urge to change when we notice such discrepancies.
This raises the question of using mirrors in the therapy room, which can divide opinions among psychotherapists. What do you think? Do you think that a mirror in the room during a counseling session would cause too much discomfort for a client, or do you think that it might prompt a client to be more emotionally open and self-honest? Therapists can also serve as mirrors in their own way, by reflecting and paraphrasing what clients say in therapy, or by asking questions that open up areas which might otherwise remain in a client’s blind spot. Just as a mirror shows you your physical reflection, a therapist helps you see your emotional and behavioral patterns more clearly. For example, a therapist could ask questions that illuminate parts of yourself you haven't yet examined.
Duval and Wicklund’s experiments demonstrated that when we are confronted with our own reflection, we are more likely to become aware of the distance between our actual and desired selves, leading to an increased impulse to bridge those self-discrepancies. In other words, when we realize that we are being observed, either by ourselves or by others, we usually seek to impress. When we focus our attention on ourselves, we are likely to observe a variety of problems that we want to fix.
Actual-Ideal Discrepancies: Self-Hero versus Self-Zero
Higgins (1987) refined some of the work by Duval and Wicklund. Higgins said that an actual-ideal discrepancy occurs when you have a mismatch between your current self and your ideal self; your ideal self is the person you aspire to be, based on your personally held values and genuine interests. This kind of self-discrepancy is especially powerful, as it can lead to feelings of significant disappointment, dissatisfaction, lack of fulfillment, and dejection (feeling like a “zero”). For example, have you ever wanted to master a skill (e.g., ultimate frisbee or pottery throwing), but you delayed taking steps to improve? The resulting actual-ideal discrepancy might have pushed you to seek help and to learn improved techniques. If so, did the new techniques allow you to gain the capability that you wanted?
I once worked with a client who discovered a talent for the shot put when she tried out for track and field. However, she was very hesitant to improve her skill for competitions because she worried about appearing unfeminine. She eventually realized that she was uniquely gifted, and she came to value her strength and her willingness to persevere in the face of being different! This is an example of how the actual-ideal discrepancy can work another way, instead of changing behavior, you might instead choose to reevaluate your ideals.
Actual-Ought Discrepancies: The Conformist Versus the Diverger
An actual-ought discrepancy (Higgins, 1987) arises when our current self does not match up with the norms and standards we receive from external sources, such as from family, communities, and the larger cultures in which we are embedded; this would be the “ought self.” An actual-ought discrepancy can evoke feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety. For instance, if you have a strong sense of responsibility to excel in your career but feel you are underperforming or not living up to the standards expected by those around you, the resulting actual-ought discrepancy can motivate you to strive for improvement in order to meet those standards. In other words, a mixed performance evaluation by your employer can act as a kind of abstract mirror, which might inspire you to change your work activities–if you agree with the employer’s feedback.
What do I mean by “abstract mirror”? Well, a literal mirror is a physical object with a reflective surface through which we can see ourselves. An abstract mirror, in contrast, also allows us to see ourselves, but indirectly through the perceptions of others. This often comes in the form of direct feedback, but it can also sometimes be indirect and nonverbal. We can sometimes find these abstract mirrors through direct communication, such as with a performance evaluation, and sometimes by interpreting how others behave in our presence. The use of others’ perceptions of us to better understand ourselves and to shape our self-concepts is also known as the “looking-glass self” (Cooley, 1902).
Using Self-Discrepancies to Power Personal Change
Understanding your self-discrepancies and then embracing them can serve to facilitate personal growth and transformation. By identifying the gaps between your current and desired self, you can focus upon a clearer vision of the changes you need to make. To learn about a few strategies to harness self-discrepancies for your own benefit, see my blog post on the Essential Elements of Habit Change. In a nutshell, those strategies include (a) clarifying your values, (b) growing your global and in-the-moment self-awareness, (c) assessing your readiness for change to ensure that you have the motivation to do the required hard work, and (d) practicing the behaviors that will bring you closer to your ideal and ought selves. Which of these strategies resonates the most with you right now? Personal change is a continuous process fueled by the awareness and motivation to bridge your gaps and to become the best version of yourself. It is the best kind of hard work that leads to rewards, fulfillment, and satisfaction.
So what does this all imply for the young woman who felt alienated after 9/11? She was caught between her ought self and her ideal self. Her peers’ reactions to her in her Midwestern college town served as a kind of mirror, indicating that her behavior did not measure up to social standards. She had to work on identifying her ideal self and accept that her values, preferences, and interests were shaped by her experiences, and that nothing was objectively “wrong” with her. This required re-centering her own values over others’ values and accepting that, even if some people did not always like her, she would be okay as long as she liked herself most of the time. In her case, what she chose to improve was not her social behavior but her mindset.
If you are struggling with a gap between your preferred self and your actual self, or if you want to increase your self-awareness and personal insight, consider connecting with a mental health professional. Imagine what it would feel like to bridge those gaps, to align more fully with your best self, and to live with greater fulfillment. This is where professional support can make a true difference.
"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." --Aristotle
References:
Carver, C. S., & Scheier, M. F. (1978). Self-focusing effects of dispositional self-consciousness, mirror presence, and audience presence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36(3), 324–332.
Cooley, C. H. (1902). Human Nature and the Social Order. Scribner's
Duval, S., & Wicklund, R. A. (1972). A theory of objective self-awareness. Academic Press.
Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340.
